


It's Me Again

by newyorkcity_dreaming



Series: The Calls We Miss [1]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 04:19:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8386945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newyorkcity_dreaming/pseuds/newyorkcity_dreaming
Summary: How Sara is coping, or not coping with losing Leonard.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AgentMaryMargaretSkitz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentMaryMargaretSkitz/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I do not own the DC Legends of Tomorrow series, or any of the characters that belong to DC, Greg Berlanti, Andrew Kreisberg, and the rest of incredible writers. I also do not own rights to any songs that might be listed within the story and I also do not make any profit from this story.
> 
> After watching the short film Caity is in called "Missed Call" - I came up with this....I don't own that either.

"Hey, it's me again. It's quiet tonight. Ray and Nate, the new guy, remember I told you about him. Well, they blew something up in the kitchen and Stein basically sent them to their rooms. It feels like I'm back in high school most days. Well actually not really, I would have never hung out with someone like Ray in school."

Sara flipped a pen around between her fingers as she spoke into the phone. She had to keep herself busy, and the pen was better than twirling her hair around her finger, something that had become a habit, and not one she was fond of.

"Mick, as usual, is pissed, this time it's because he wasn't there to blow up stuff in the kitchen with them," Sara said, "but mostly he is pissed because he is missing his best friend, I mean, I know he doesn't like to label anything, but that's what is was. I watched this show once that stated _it's not the good times that make the friendship, it's how you recover from the bad_ , or at least it was something like that. I think about it often, me, and Laurel, and Thea. I think about how far we have all come, since Thea, well, since she killed me. Okay yes, that was Malcolm's doing, as are most bad things that happen in Star City but still, it was a hard period of our lives, and we got through it."

Sighing she placed the pen on the table and climbed onto her bed. She bit her lip thinking about the words she had just said.

"I wonder what would have happened if Laurel hadn't of died, would we have gone back to Star City for Christmas, or Central to be with Lisa? Would we have met half way, or would have Lisa come to Star City too? I think about these things, not because I want to, but because we were left with so many could have beens. I think about me, and you, and me and you, and I wonder whether we could have really been something."

Toeing off her boots Sara kicked them to the floor and rolled onto her side. The phone still at her ear, she hugged the pillow beneath her head with her free arm.

"It's stupid, but I think for people who are time traveling, we never seem to have enough time. We see so many important events in history unfold, and we protect those moments, but at what cost? Because so far I've lost two of the most important people in my life while doing this, and some days I'm not sure it's worth it anymore."

Hitting the end call button, she dropped the phone to the bed beside her, and let a tear roll down her cheek. She was strong, in front of everyone else, she was strong, but here, alone, this is where Sara would allow herself to fall apart.

~

"You've reached Leonard Snart; I shouldn't have to explain what to do next."

Sara let out a wry laugh as she heard Leonard's voicemail message. Of course wasn't the first time she'd heard it, she had been calling his phone more than she should have.

"It's me; It's been a couple of days since I called. Things have been busy, but I figured that I'd call and update you. We still have no idea where Rip is, or even if he is even alive somewhere. Ray says it's easier, knowing you are gone. He says it's because he knows you are in a better place. I hate that thought! How is anywhere a better place for you than with your team, with Mick...with me."

She hung up the phone abruptly as the door to her room opened, and she saw Jax walk in. She gave him a smile, one that almost reached her eyes. They had become close, brother and sister close, and since losing Laurel, that was exactly what Sara needed.

"Whatcha doing in here?" Jax asked, pulling up a seat and sitting across from where she was.

"Nothing much, first day off in a while, but I feel bored," Sara said, with a shrug.

"Amaya challenged Ray to a competition of some type, could be fun to watch," Jax offered, although not sounding all that interested.

"I mean, no offense to Ray but unless it's building at Atom suit, he isn't going to win," Said said.

"Those were my thoughts; that's why I'm here, and I wanted to see if you were alright."

Sara shrugged at Jax. She wasn't sure how to respond to him. Was she alright? She honestly didn't know the answer to that. Some days everything was fine, but others, well if she could crawl into bed and never get out, she would.

"I'm not sure I'll ever be alright, not with any of it. I am trying, though, trying to get through, it's what they would want."

"I didn't know your sister, but I knew Snart, so I know that you are right. I don't know how you do it, though, I mean when we are out on a mission you are completely focused. It's the same in here when we are planning, or strategizing, but when we are having down time or waiting for something, you are closed off. It's like you don't want to let anyone else in," Jax said.

"I let you guys in. You're like the brother I never had, and Mick and I, well he's Mick, and we understand each other. I don't have a problem with anyone on this ship Jax."

"I'm not saying that you do, it's just that I think you are keeping us all at arms length so if something else happens, if we lose someone else, you aren't going to have to go through the same pain of losing Snart all over again."

Sara bit her lip. She hated when Jax was right about things. She had been doing that, not all the time, but enough that she wasn't around the team when she didn't have to be. Calling Leonard as much as she did, didn't help either, but she wasn't giving that up. She couldn't.

~

"Mick got to blow things up today, AND use his gun on more than one occasion, so he is happy tonight."

Sara laughed at the memory of the pyromaniac's face at the sight of the explosion he had caused earlier that day.

"Ray was particularly annoying and acting like he knew everything today. It made me miss you. I just knew you would have had something to say to him. It would have been totally sarcastic and or sassy, and Ray would have hated it. That would have made it so much better, but you weren't here and other than Mick threatening to light him on fire, no one said anything, and Ray just kept talking. I know I'm meant to be captain and lead this band of misfits, yes, I'm totally calling us that because well, what other name is there...wait what was I saying? Oh captain, right, yeah I just wasn't feeling it today. I was missing you, and Laurel, but today mostly you. I hate that sometimes I feel I miss you more than her. I spoke to Stein about it once. I'm not sure why but I'd had a couple of drinks, and it just came out."

She was pacing her room, that wasn't unusual for Sara, she had always pacing when she was talking on the phone. The more she got worked up about something, the faster she would pace. Her mood changed as more of the conversation with Stein came back to her, and she relayed the words into the phone.

"Anyway, he said that it was probably because I was used to seeing you every day. You were on the mission with us, and now you aren't. Laurel, on the other hand, was in Star City and subconsciously my brain just assumes she is still there. I just it's easier to miss someone when you go from seeing them everyday to not at all. Maybe Martin is right, maybe it's easier for me to think of Laurel, alive and happy in Star City, instead of remembering the truth. The truth in which I lost you both and couldn't do anything to stop either."

Tears started to roll down Sara's cheeks as she spoke into the phone. She moved across the room and sat down in one of the chairs, pulling her legs under her as she did. Sara wiped at her cheeks with her free hand and closed her eyes.

"I just don't understand why! Why I had to lose you both and both at the same time! It's like some cruel joke the universe is playing on me...I just feel lost and empty, like the world is dark and the sun has gone."

~

"It's been a week, and the sun is still dark, not the actual sun. But remember how I said it felt that way? Because it still does. I was talking to Jax about it earlier, and Ray overheard. He is now sporting a black eye after singing at me the sun will come out tomorrow I swear he is lucky Jax was there otherwise he would be more likely to be in the med bay. Nate said I overreacted, but Amaya pulled him out of the room before I could punch him too. I mean what kind of stupid advice is that anyway? The sun will come out tomorrow! Who cares, right now my life sucks, and I'm feeling like I could just give up on it all and Ray wants to tell me it's going to be okay because the sun will come out tomorrow?! What a load of crap!"

~

"It rained today! Ray was wrong. This somehow made life better today."

~

"I hate you; you know that! I really hate you for being gone! Why did you have to play the hero? Why did you have to leave?"

The tears rolling down her cheeks were like waterfalls. She couldn't seem to stop them, and Sara felt like nothing was going to heal her heart.

"I need you to know that it's not okay that you left, I need you to know that I'm not okay without you, I need you to tell me it's going to be okay, I just need you here. I don't know what I'm doing Len."

She was in the room that used to be his. Ray had suggested that Nate takes it, but Sara had disagreed. In the end Mick told Nate to bunk in with Ray until otherwise advised, it was Stein that pointed out Carter's room was empty and that Nate should just take that one.

It didn't matter to Sara though, as long as no one touched Leonard's room she didn't care what they did. The sheets still smelled like him and his cards still sat on the shelf against the wall. The phone fell from her hand as Sara crumbled to her knees.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to be here."

~

"You need to stop calling him," Mick said, walking announced into Sara's room.

"Go to hell Mick," She replied, shaking her head.

"It's not healthy Sara."

"Not healthy!" She exclaimed, "You want to talk about things that aren't healthy? How about you taking the jump ship back to 2013 so you can see him? Don't tell me you haven't done it because I know you have, and more than once!"

"That's completely different," Mick argued

"No, it's not! In fact, it's worse because you are actually talking to a physical Leonard. You don't need to pretend he is alive because you get to see him alive."

"But that's all you're doing just pretending. He doesn't talk back, the Snart you knew is gone!"

The argument had caused the other members of the team to turn up at Sara's room, but it was crack as Sara's palm connected with Mick's cheek caused Ray to finally say something.

"I don't want another black eye, but Sara, Mick's right," Ray said, although remaining just out of reach of the angry Blonde.

"I didn't ask for your opinion Ray, in fact, I didn't ask for Mick's either," Sara said, glaring at them both.

"I don't care, I'll give you my opinion anyway," Mick said, "and my opinion is that you're in too deep to realize how screwed up this is."

"This is my life Mick, not yours, or Ray's," she said pointedly. "I can do what I want."

"Not when it comes to the safety of the team, you're meant to lead us, but you're falling apart, and I'm not the only one who's noticed."

The rest of the team went quiet, and Nate, Amaya, and Stein choose that moment to bow out and leave the room. Sara could see Jax in the corner staring at Mick. She wasn't sure if he was there to support her or the arsonist, but she definitely knew which side Ray stood on.

"You want to take over Mick? Is that what you want? Then do it, I don't care!" She exclaimed.

"That's not what he is saying Sara," Jax said, finally speaking up.

"Who's side are you on here?" Sara asked.

"There are no sides," Jax answered.

"Are you sure you are part of the same conversation here? Of course, there are sides."

"Yeah, the pot and the kettle, from what I can tell," Jax said, annoyed. "You're both doing the same thing in different ways, and neither of you thinks you're in the wrong. Call Snart, don't call Snart, Go to 2013, or don't go, I don't care! Just don't let your choices screw up this team. Yes, we lost Snart, but this isn't going to bring him back. If you keep on like this, unfocused and divided one of you, or us, may be joining him sooner than necessary. Sort out your crap!"

Sara was shocked at Jax's outburst, and as he left the room, with Ray trailing behind him, she shook her head in disbelief.

"I didn't know the Kid had it in him," Mick said.

"I think I did," Sara admitted. She looked down at her hands as she cracked her knuckles and then looked back up at Mick. "I just don't know how to stop, it's like if I stop calling him, he's really gone, and at least this way I can pretend he is on a mission somewhere and can't answer his phone."

Mick moved across the room and sat down on one of the chairs. Sara followed and sat next to him, waiting for him to speak.

"I get it. It's the same for me, but I swear the last time I went, though, that was the last time. I can't do it anymore. Talking to him then, he's missing a huge chunk of the story. It's stupid because I know if he knew everything, I mean if he was our Snart, he'd want to know about you-"

"But in 2013 he didn't know me," Sara said, finishing Mick's sentence.

"If you need to keep doing this, calling him, I'm not going to stop you, but just try and find a balance Sara. He wouldn't want this for you, and neither would Laurel."

Mick got up and left the room, and Sara couldn't help but sigh. She knew Mick was right. She knew he meant well, they all did. Even Ray, who she really wanted to punch again. That didn't stop her from reaching for her phone again and dialing the same number.

"So Mick and I had a fight. There were no punches thrown, although that's just because Ray was too far away when he butted his nose into it. Mick says I need to stop calling you. He says it's not healthy for me to pretend you are still here."

Sara let the tears fall as she spoke, not bothering to wipe them away. She needed to cry. She needed to let her guard down, one final time.

"I think he's right. That's a scary thought; Mick is finally the one with the level head. Now nothing makes sense, although nothing did anyway. You are gone, Laurel is gone, and I'm stuck with the criminal arsonist. I just wish you were here. I have that old Avril song stuck in my head; _I'm with you,_ specifically the part that says _cause nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one likes to be alone..._ I used to like being by myself, but then the Gambit happened, and I was alone so much that I grew to hate it, also death does that to you too, but then I've told you that. Death is lonely. I sometimes wonder if it felt like that for you, did you feel lonely, did you think about us in your final moments? I was thinking about you; I couldn't help but think of you. I wish it all had of been a dream. I wish you were still here. I need you to be here. I wish we could have had a shot to know if we would have worked, I think we would have. You understood me like no one else has, you were exactly who I needed in my life Leonard Snart, and I could have fallen in love with you. I just wish that I could tell you that for real, but I can't, and I'll always regret that I never got the chance to at least try. Mick is right, though, I need to let you go."

As the words left her mouth, Sara let out a strangled sob, as the tears continued to flood down her cheeks.

"I need to let you go. I need to stop calling and leaving messages that you are never going to hear. I need to move on. I need to stop falling apart every time I think about you and us and what we could have been. I miss you, but it's time that I say goodbye. We could have been so much Leonard Snart, but now all I'll ever have is memories of what we were and thoughts of what we could have been. So I guess this is goodbye, I'll always remember you."

Sara hung up the phone and dissolved into a sobbing mess, she sunk from the chair to the floor. She could no longer pretend that life would go back to before the Oculus. This was her life now, her life without Leonard Snart, no phone calls, no me and you and no future with him. Is was all gone, and she couldn't let herself fall back into those old habits.

~

She woke up the next morning on the floor. Sara knew she had cried herself to sleep, but a part of her felt a sense of relief. Picking up her phone, she locked it in her wall safe, out of sight and out of mind.

Making her way out of her room toward the kitchen, she found Mick in the hall and smiled at him.

"I'm done, no more calls. I'm not even going to look at the phone," She said.

"Guess this calls for a drink," Mick said, as they entered the kitchen.

~

She was still with Mick when her phone rang. If she had of heard it, or seen it, she would have been shocked to see Leonard's number calling her back.


End file.
